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[personal profile] amae
Slowly working on my comic. My goal this time is to make a story that's easy to understand for once. I'm sure I'll get better with time, but a huge problem with my storytelling is that I live in my head too much. I don't realize that some things that are clear to me, are not clear to the reader, and it makes my stories hard to parse. Not to mention, a good deal of them are kind of complicated to begin with, so this becomes even more of a problem.

For my next story I'm trying to do something more simple, to try to break myself from these bad habits. I'm putting the summary here--any thoughts/things that are unclear? Be honest, I don't mind.


Takashi, the main kid in the story is a 3rd year junior high school student who likes to make cakes, and is quite good at it. His cakes, however, look like shit. Absolutely unappealing. He wants to enter his school festival's sweet contest, but has no confidence in himself. To make matters worse, Mitsuo, the most popular boy in the school (he even has a fan club) who is known for his mastery of sweets, is planning on entering.

When Takashi is looking at his last attempt at a cake in secret after school, he suddenly approached by Yukari, a yankee girl in his class. She tastes some of the cake, and to his surprise, enjoys it. She announces that he's going to enter the contest, and tells him to meet her outside the school the next day after school.

Takashi waits at the school gate the next day, and is forced into a taxi and driven to a rather posh looking mansion, which turns out to be yankee girl's place. She's actually the daughter of a family with a long line of pastry chefs. After threatening him that if he tells anyone he's dead, she offers to train him in making a real cake. They meet after school for days, and whenever Takashi fails at making a nice looking cake, Yukari beats him up. Gradually, however, he gets a little better. Takashi admits that the reason he wants to join the contest is because Momoe, the student council president and judge of the contest, is one of the only people who has ever complimented him on his food despite its presentation once during cooking class when they were 1st years. It was the first time he saw how he could make someone happy with his food, and he wants to see that smile again.

Yukari makes fun of him a little for this, and Takashi asks her why she's a yankee and hides her skills when she comes from such a talented family. She says she doesn't want to be tied down by her family. She wants to be her own person. Takashi tells her that it's a shame, because she seems to like making cakes a lot in any case, and she seemed really happy when she helped him. She gets a little embarrassed, and tells him to shut up and get back to work.

Finally, it's the day of the contest. The entries are out, and next to Mitsuo's masterpiece Takashi's cake looks a little plain. The entrants are told to bring their cake to Momoe. Mitsuo wows the crowd as he is wont to do, and Takashi, nervous, heads forward. Mitsuo's fan club starts talking badly about his cake and out of nervousness Takashi trips and the cake falls on the ground. The fan club continues on about it, saying that it's probably better on the ground, and Yukari flips out at them, telling them about how hard he worked at it and how his stuff tastes ten times better than anything Mitsuo could create, and so on.

Unfortunately, with the cake ruined Takashi is disqualified from the contest. Mitsuo wins, and mocks Takashi a bit before leaving. However, Momoe runs up to Takashi afterwards and tells him that she managed to take a small bit of the cake that wasn't ruined, and thinks he should have won after all. Yukari congratulates him on achieving his real goal, and Takashi tells her that he wouldn't have been able to do it without her. Yukari tells him that this is just the beginning and he needs to make an even greater cake next time. Takashi grins and says, "You do like this stuff after all!" which prompts her to tell him to stuff it.

Pretty basic story. What do you think? Anything you think should be changed/cut out/etc?
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