 |
Well, it's International Blog Against Racism week (and that is why my dear Haruhi default icon will be absent from your lives for a bit- but c'mon, Naruto? It's a good replacement!) and I figured this is as good as a time as ever to speak about my own personal issues with story creation and personal acceptance. This isn't about racism in a broad sense, but mostly about how what one believes to be "general consensus" (in this case, in terms of race, of course) can really screw up how you see yourself and your writing. Or in my case, limit the stories I've felt like I'm capable of telling.
When I first began writing and coming up with stories I firmly stayed on the fantasy track. I never thought it was for any reason other than the fact that I liked fantasy quite a bit. I knew it wasn't the case that I didn't like to read stories based closer reality (and I found it odd because I didn't read as much fantasy fiction as I did things like memoirs), but try as I might, with any story concept I'd come up with I'd need to add some type of magic, some type of supernatural thing. It was only until recently that I realized I tended to do that because of fear.
I was afraid of creating a story too close to what I already knew.
It's like the fear I feel whenever someone asks me to draw them. I can't do it. I can't make them look like themselves, I'm not good at it. It's the same fear that kept me from doing fanart for a long time. I just felt I couldn't do justice to whatever I was depicting so I decided instead to avoid it by creating my own reality, one that no one could expect anything out of because it wasn't theirs, it was mine. This in itself was not a bad thing per se, but in limiting myself, I equally limited my storytelling ability, I believe. As I grow up as a person and as storyteller I know that I can't keep on doing this, but it's difficult, it really is. I find again and again my own insecurities being the biggest and hardest roadblock to get over.
In any case, I finally sat myself down and asked- what type of story do I want to write? Why do I want to do this? How will I do this? As I began to pursue stories based off of reality, I realized just how much I take from my own experiences, my own inspiration...I wanted to write a story that I could personally resonate with. I wanted to draw a story that I could personally resonate with. I'm going to focus on comics for the most part here, because that's what I create the majority of my stories for. Keeping this in mind, I thought of what I liked in the manga that I read and a lot of that came down to the fantasy aspect of it ("fantasy" in a broad sense...just the fantastical/escapist nature of a lot of stories) and the fact that I could find a lot of myself in the characters. But something struck me, a topic that had been bothering me for a while:
While I could relate to the characters emotionally, on a visual level there was no one I could really do the same for. I'm black, yet I probably could count the amount of black people depicted in anime and manga on one hand.
This isn't something I'm particularly angry about or anything (as I said, there are tons of characters that I enjoy on an emotional level, and I consider that the most important aspect of character creation), but it was something that I wish could have seen more of, if only because before you read a comic you do view things on a primarily visual level. Of course, when I thought this I instantly came up with a response to this problem: Why don't you make a comic with black people yourself, Shady? Isn't that the obvious thing to do?
I mean, it's obvious, right? Then why couldn't I convince myself to feel comfortable doing it? What was so hard? Aside from the fact that from the beginning of my drawing career I've been struggling to learn how to make characters look different from each other (a problem that comes along with learning how to draw from referencing manga and anime instead of learning the basics first), I felt the same fear I did when trying to do justice on a person's portrait. I felt like because I had more connection to this subject, I wouldn't be able to give it justice. I felt like if I was going to make a black main character, then I couldn't write it the same way I had been doing for all of my other stories.
It's sad, isn't it? I was in a sense, scared to write what I know. That just isn't right. But I was paralyzed by what I thought people would expect out of me if I did this. It reminds me in a way of my sister's problems during her teenage years, where she would complain to my mother about how she didn't feel she had lived the "black experience". We had been told that as black people there were certain criteria that we had to fall in to. She (and subsequently I) was bullied quite a bit during high school for not being "black enough". When these complaints were brought to my mother, she simply looked confused and said, "If you're looking for the "black experience"- you're already living it. It's your own experience, and nothing else."
Somehow, when I thought about that it dawned on me: there is no particular way to write any type of character…just like there is no particular way to live your life. The problem I was having was that I thought I had to write a particular type of story, particular type of character…simply because of an external part of their being. Because my personal experience was not what a lot of people considered "normal" for a "black person" I couldn't trust myself to write the very thing I could write the best! Ridiculous. I am currently developing a story that stars a black woman...but the story isn't about race. Why should it be? There are people who have written stories much better, much more eloquently about race than I can and to be honest I have no desire to do so. Keep in mind that this doesn't mean I'm ignoring race as an issue completely, however just because my main character is a certain race doesn't mean her story is about that. It is merely a part of her story, just as it is a part of mine. The fact that she is a woman is also a part of her story, as is the fact that she's afraid of the dark, allergic to pears, likes to dance.
What I realized while struggling over this non-issue is that what's important in a character-driven story are the characters as individuals, and no individual is defined by one aspect of their being. That's what makes us interesting. We all come in different shapes and sizes- physically and mentally.
As I've told myself again and again I'm not here to write a groundbreaking story, or a story that redefines common thought. Because I live in this world my stories may reflect what I know, and maybe not reflect what you know at all. I'm not here to paint a picture anymore accurate than what I'm used to, or what comes to mind. I'm just here to make a story that will make me smile (or laugh, or cry, or scream...), and hopefully make you do so too.
|
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amae
